Always Finding Something Beautiful

2009-10-12T11:21:00.002+08:00

Goodbye, I'm not coming back anymore. Miss me, but I will still be around.

Breaking free from my old habits, becoming more 'me'. This blog is too much full of pain, and the more I stay, the more it keeps sucking me into the pain. Even the URL reminds me.

Moving on for good. When you read this, this blog is history. <3

I love you, for reading till here. I love you for supporting me and giving me tags when I least expect them.

Thank you for being there, even if virtually. I love you.

Now, it's time.

:D

2009-10-09T23:27:00.003+08:00

I don't know but these days, I've been crying really hard. It's like, it's just so strong, I can't contain it.

I try not to cry in front of anyone, but the truth is I am crying all the time. Crying of happiness, crying of frustration, crying because I miss someone, crying because I'm wasting time, crying for everything.

Yet, these world doesn't tolerate people who cry all the time do they? So they go about, with a strong facade, being even the most strongest fighters. But inside, we are all crying, don't we?

Crying of happiness. Crying for everything. Because we are born that way, and we will die, that way.

If you let me cry in front of you, whenever I feel like it, you will see the real side of me. The real me.

2009-10-09T22:35:00.002+08:00

My greatest tragedy is that the people whom I love most, are the ones I push away so they won't have to hurt the way I do.

For even the worst pain is nothing compared to their tears.

-Anonymous

2009-10-09T06:20:00.001+08:00

I dislike egoistical people. And now, I'm becoming one.

2009-10-03T11:28:00.000+08:00

Some random guy that added me on Facebook chatted with me today.

He asked me to be his fiancee. He sounded serious. As serious as someone who proposes through the internet.

LOL. I don't even know how his nose looks like up front!

Well, much as I would like to say yes.. I said no.

And he, went all awkward, and said 'bay'.

I guess, it means 'bye'?

XD Made me smile that guy.

2009-10-03T10:21:00.002+08:00

I managed to finally, accept and heal... over one of my darkest secrets. It was such a strong hold that I didn't know I've kept it inside for so many years, until I start to relentlessly ask myself, why am I always feeling such pain all the time?

I even feel my body is starting to heal much faster now, since accepting it.

Everybody has one. Maybe.

So what's yours?

2009-10-02T22:07:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder, why isn't my blog like the rest of most bloggers?

Posting interesting pictures, about their life, concerts and food, and whatever else that should make a blog interesting.

Somehow I don't have the strength to blog these kind of things. It feels like the same usual stuff. Nothing provocative, nothing that makes you think, or dig inside my soul.

Usual things that distracts.

Not that I'm saying mine is interesting. But at least, mine's pretty different. Or maybe, I belong in the delusional, always whining category.

It's just me.

2009-10-02T15:59:00.003+08:00

L.O.V.E. is just another word I never learned to pronounce.

:)

Accepting pain somehow releases me from it.

2009-10-01T15:09:00.002+08:00

I don't like pretending. But I don't like to be genuine around others.

Oh well, let's just pretend then.

And I know they won't like what they see, not literally. And I don't like when they get too close to me. Especially when some of them are idiots.

I hate idiots. With a passion. If I were able to eliminate.. I would eliminate idiots out of this whole planet.

No, not those retarded ones. For them, I know it is not their choice.

Idiots. Scums of the earth. Those who laugh at every single joke, think they are Oh so cool, and those who think they are always right.. and etc. There's so many idiots, I would reach my death listing every single one of them.

I fucking hate them. I don't even know why.

I don't like being so vulnerable. Of course, you might think, isn't blogging about it making myself vulnerable? Exposing myself?

I like to expose this part of me. Expose the side that you would never like. It makes me feel free, somehow.

And the side that is loveable? I think.. nobody would ever see that. Maybe not in this lifetime.

What you see.. is the side of me that is likeable. The loveable side... I would rather be alone then show you that side of me.

I guessed I'm so used to pushing people away from me. Those who try to break down my walls, I truly respect them. Cause they'll never get past those barriers.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have said never. Maybe out there, someone can get past through those barriers. Until then, my real self? Bye bye~

Tragic, sad?

Well, I just feel numb. Nothing sad about it, from what I can feel.

2009-10-01T09:21:00.002+08:00

I had a terrible nightmare. It was a simple nightmare, but contains the strongest of emotions and it was like all the terrifying things combined into one nightmare, and I have to go through them all.

And now then I realised, I have made myself so powerless. There was no option in the first place. The reason evil existed because the good thinks that power is wrong. The good should be the powerful ones, and yes, to be in power is not a choice. It is a must.

Here I lie forever
Sorrow still remains
Will the water pull me down and wash it all away
Come and take me over
Welcome to the game
Will the current drag me down and carry me away
Suddenly the light begins to fade

HOPELESS
I'm falling down
FILTHY
I can't wake up
I can not hold on
I will not let go
WORTHLESS
It's over now
GUILTY
There's no way out
I can not hold on
I will not let go

Silent I go under
I am not afraid
I can see the daylight shine
And slowly drift away
Safe to say it's over
Sink into the grave
There is nothing left inside
But I am wide awake
I can hear the devil call my name

HOPELESS
I'm falling down
FILTHY
I can't wake up
I can not hold on
I will not let go
WORTHLESS
It's over now
GUILTY
There's no way out
I can not hold on
I will not let go

2009-09-26T22:26:00.003+08:00

I am bored, so I'll just type random stories here. Better than saying about my life. :D

"Don't cry" He said, with a sneer on his lips, his violet eyes bore into me. I took a few steps back, and a whimper escaped my lips. I looked around, and as much as I wanted to will doors and windows, there were none. Just bare brown walls, and brown floors. So brown all over, I couldn't tell where the wall ended, or where exactly is the floor.

I was in a room, literally without any opening, with a stranger that looked like he ate lions for breakfast.

"Don't be afraid." He whispered, hands reaching out for my shoulders as he continued to advance towards me, now only three or perhaps four steps away from me.

"He was never your friend. He's lying, using illusion. If I wanted to kill you, wouldn't I have done it already?"His breath reminded me of a cornfield. His nails glistened and shone under the fluorescent light, as his nail caress my cheek, drawing a little blood as his nails move down to my chin.

"But why? Why would he lie to me?" I struggled to speak, and staring into his eyes I felt my soul slipping away as if I'm falling from the hundredth floor, and still have not reached the ground.

"Because he's your doubts, my love. To him, to you, I'm something dangerous. New, exciting, alive. Everything he hates. Do you still want to, continue falling, as I call it? Or join me, get a breath of fresh, rosy air?" A tinge of laughter colored his voice. His fingers trailed down to my chestbone, and to my horror, his nails dig deep into my chest.

Blood started gushing out, warm, wet and black.I could feel my flesh give way to his nails,like it was sand against steel. I struggled against him, but his fingers took hold of my rib and a burning pain tore through me. He kept on smiling as I screamed and tried to hold his hand from going any further. He continued fingering his way around my lungs, my spine. Before I could faint from the pain of it all, I felt his fingers wrap around my heart. He gave it a little squeeze.

And my mouth gasped involuntarily, and sucked in a lungful of air. My first real breath in ten years.

Finally.

2009-09-19T19:21:00.002+08:00

Is it because I talked weird,
that you have kept quiet?

Is it because I'm morbid,
that you have kept quiet?

For this is the real me, I'm allowing myself to be who I truly am. Whom my heart shows myself to be. Only my mind keeps this lips from cursing those who condemn me.

I'm changing , yes, to better or worse, that I do not know. But I know, I feel free this way.

Don't be afraid of me. For I'm just like you, only different, only more free of society's clutches.. each and every day.

No, I'm not trying to imitate. Deep inside, I relate to vampires more than anybody. For a vampire resembles many things for different people. And there's a vampire in every one of us.

The sorrow.
The outcast.
The misunderstood.
The elegance.

In all of us.

2009-09-18T18:39:00.002+08:00

The more cruel I let myself be, the more kind I become.

It's strange. But of course, yin and yang.

Helped a stranger today. She didn't know her way around SP. Personally, walked her to that place, while carrying my heavy bags. I had entertained the thought of just leaving her there, and even point her to the wrong direction. I felt good thinking of these bad things, and I felt more at ease to do good things.

Weird.

Why am I blogging about this? I just want to show off. Or maybe I just want to make you want to do the same, help strangers.

Yin and yang, they always go hand in hand.

;)

2009-09-13T19:17:00.003+08:00

I really wanna delete this blog.

But i guess, I just suck at moving on ay? XD

2009-09-09T22:23:00.002+08:00

I am ready to feel my emotions to their fullest extent. I have supressed so much excitement, so much sadness, and numbing myself. I went day to day not feeling anything. I also stayed away from touches, cause it opened a door where my emotions would blare back to life.

Now, I'm mentally ready. God, please let me be strong. To not trip over guys that are not worth it, to not prick over friends that are not worth it, and to have the wisdom to know when to place myself first.

2009-09-07T18:13:00.005+08:00

In love with district 9, the most entertaining action-packed, sci-fi movie that has a powerful hold on my heart.

It is like watching something powerful and metallic, but with a beating, human heart.

Even if you think the trailer is so-so, please give this movie a watch. It is a must, because it is realistically made ,despite the alien involvement. It is something that is not like transformers 2, where the heroes will never die and the evil people always die. The jokes are just lame and plain.. put there to pass time.

This is the real deal, and it will make you feel like crying. At least, want to. It somehow reminds me of ET, in a way, but this time in a more painful , heart-wrenching way.

I am not good with describing something, and still not give the plot away. So, please watch this, and if this doesn't suit your taste, you can don't trust my word anymore. Abandon my blog. That's my promise.

And do take note while watching, that the main actor, during those 'interviews' he has, .. he improvs on his script. Meaning, he makes up and changes his own dialogue along the way, every time. Of course, still keeping the essence of the dialogue the same.

Kudos to everyone involved in this film!

Worth your money, unless if you're wanting to watch comedy. Then please go watch something else.

2009-09-07T16:38:00.002+08:00

Isn't everything a cycle? Everything is just the same thing.

The movies. The food. In essence, mostly the same. Now and then, rarely something powerful and original pops out.

I wonder what the rest of the world is doing? Plotting some evil plan? Bumming at home? Doing something meaningless? Suffering or enjoying over trivial stuff?

Nadadada. Can I go to the public, and just scream? Maybe it will break everybody's daily trance of doing daily activities.

2009-09-01T13:21:00.000+08:00

“Something has moved and bumped the cradle of everything. The world is out of sync. Birds fly backwards and the fish swim through the air. Hours pass like seconds and seconds pass like hours. The light fades before the sun leaves. The stars shine before the night falls. I am here early. You are here late.”

-Karish-ma on tumblr

2009-09-01T01:24:00.000+08:00

Nothing to say, for the first time. Solitude is becoming a tad too addictive.

Beautiful Creation

2009-08-30T01:48:00.002+08:00

Tell me, where did these beautiful music went to, all this time?

isabella-allison-claire.tumblr.com <-- my other blog ;) and those names i'd love to call myself since i was in sec 1. I still love Siti Aisyah tho, :D

2009-08-28T22:32:00.001+08:00

I want to go to Vancouver Film School! Omygod, it's awesome!!

Ahhhh, how how?!

2009-08-27T22:08:00.002+08:00

Wow, I can't believe I procastinated till I actually got sick of procastinating.

That rarely happens, and maybe I had my fill of procastinating? Hmm..

How do you guys actually overcome this procastinating phase? Read a book, go out with friends, or through sheer power of will?

I wanna know! :D

2009-08-27T15:11:00.002+08:00

OMG. I love the person who wrote the following 'article'. :P Read it, and laugh out loud!

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you checking out our bullshit section over here. Now, most of the people that come in here don't know what they're looking for, but I see you and I say to myself, this guy, this is the kind of guy I can manipulate until he purchases something he doesn't need. So, tell me, what can I do to send you home with some of our bullshit?

Now what you're looking at there, that's a pretty decent bit of bullshit. But if you're really looking to take it to the next level, I've got a line of bullshit that is going to knock your socks off. That crap? That's for idiots. But you, on the other hand, I can clearly tell, are a complete fucking moron. You want a perfunctory compliment and a meaningless question? Nice tie. Where'd you get it?

Let me establish a superficial intimacy here by asking you your first name. It's Bob? Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here, Bob—you look like the kind of guy who appreciates quality bullshit. I have an eye for these things. I can see you're a nice guy, but dumb as hell, so I'm going to go ahead and take you for all you've got.

Can I put my arm around you and be disingenuous with you for a second? I like you, so I'm going to help you out. Walk with me. I'm going to show you the real bullshit.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This guy must really think he's talking to a dummy here." And that's true. But I want you to know that it's simpletons like you who make this the greatest job in the world.

Bob, we're both adults here, so let me talk down to you like a child. Take a look at this shelf. Your first instinct is that you probably want this bullshit, don't you? No, you don't. Sure, this bullshit does everything you need, but it's a little less than you're going to want to spend. Over here, now, this is more along your lines. A little pricier, but with fewer features and longer, more convoluted explanations of what they do.

Hold on to your pants, though, 'cause this is our newest line of bullshit. It's not your run-of-the-mill standard bullshit—we're talking primo stuff. State of the art, bullshit-wise. Just got this in from France. You believe that, right? This is the best bullshit you can get. You got a family? You got kids? They're going to love this bullshit. Trust me, Bob, you've never seen bullshit like this before.

Sure, you could go across the street and buy the same bullshit for half the price, but I guarantee you—I guarantee you!—they won't treat you like half the dipshit I will.

Whoa, whoa, I feel like I'm losing you. Okay, hold on. Let me sweeten the deal. You buy this bullshit right now, and I'll throw in some of that useless crap over there. I can't do much more than that. I'm practically robbing you. Level with me: What do I have to do to convince you that you're getting a deal here? Should I speak faster or just louder?

Listen, Bob, I've really come to like you. I don't want to BS you, so let me just flat-out lie. This bullshit is guaranteed to make your life more satisfying. What else do you want to hear? You'll earn more money, be more attractive to women, people will respect you? Sure. Guaranteed. Done deal.

If you have any doubts left at all, get ready to have them blown out of the water, because this bullshit is satisfaction guaranteed. For a meager $100 extra, I'll throw in an eco-friendly paperless two-year bullshit warranty that won't do shit and that you'll never need.

You like that? All right—I knew that'd put you over the top. Now, let's head on over to the cash register and see if we can accidentally swipe your card more than once, huh?

Credits to Jack McManus, from theonion.com. No copyright infringement intended.

2009-08-26T17:34:00.001+08:00

You're the heart
of the galaxy of stars,
and lies within each star,
is an ocean of all beauty,
and the brightest of fires.

2009-08-25T23:53:00.002+08:00

I think I'm masochistic. I crave attention from people that don't give it to me. I feel like I have to prove something, like my whole ego is challenged.

This is madness.

I came to school today, and BOOM, got a shock of my life. The lab is empty, for once! WOOOT! Okay, so I acted cool, sashayed my ass into the classroom, and after flicking my hair, place my bags down.

"Ahhh" What a relief. My laptop is finally off my shoulder!

I proceeded to conjure up my messy plan to pass up DCM today. But of course, before doing anything, FACEBOOK became my first location. :P I got hooked at reading blogs, and turned around to see Ethel walking into the room!

"Aisyahh!!" She 'screamed'. I felt like I'm having some fan meeting session. hehe! JK!

Then we proceeded to do work.. Omg, I'm bored typing.

I feel horny. LOL. Nah, I feel like two horns just grew from the top of my head. Two horns = two assignments.

One horn down, one more to go.

I find one of the lecturers.. pretty cute.. :P Okay, Aisyah don't go there.

AHHHH. I'm bored out of my mind and sprouting nonsense. Maybe I should just go watch Shane Dawson vids and maybe play with myself..

Nah! JK. HAHAHA!

Maybe.. Ohkay, it's fasting month.

2009-08-24T21:56:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Yvonne! :)

Sometimes I really wish that if I were to be sacrificed, and the world will be greater and more loving, I would.

I know, you must be thinking, yeah right. But I've been thinking about it. The loss, the pain, the facing of death right in your face, and the uncertainty if my death is going to have any effect. I know.

And the worse part, the tears of my loved ones.

But if it can work, I will. I don't mind, because my life is about serving. Not just serving others, serving myself, serving everyone. If I can just do that, I would have accomplished the very thing I've said when I was only five years old.

If I can cry a thousand tears every day to replenish those rivers, if I can blow a million wind to purify the air of the world, if I can produce unlimited hand to touch every soul in this Earth whether past or still living, I would.

But then again, maybe I just can. :D

I don't mind letting my guard down to millions of people, but to let my guard down to solely one other person, I'm afraid. The headache~

"Mum, I wanna save the world."

The 9 Timeless Secrets to be Happy

2009-08-22T16:27:00.001+08:00

Something I love to share with you~

2009-08-20T08:06:00.001+08:00

I dreamt of the day where every girl is a beautiful lady, and every guy, a handsome man.

I dreamt that everyone had great self-confidence, and a good life going for them, with opportunities all around, and they have great intuition and understanding for others.

That day, everyone will be really happy, and there might even be offers all year around in shopping malls and Singapore wins for the first time in World Cup or something!

And hahaha, and everyone then woke up from the dream, and realised they have something common for them to talk to each other~

And that there are no one out there who wants to hurt anybody.

2009-08-19T12:15:00.002+08:00

Just a random thought...

When relationships don't go as planned.. we say "We are not working out.. Things are not working out.."

Isn't working out means that you are in the gym, lifting weights and stuff, exercising?!

So here's a tip people, when your relationship isn't working well.. go and work out!

It might just help. ;)

2009-08-18T19:08:00.002+08:00

My mother has been asking me..

So after this course, what do you work as?

I don't know. The questions ..

It kills me. Every time.

What am I suppose to say?

Oh, see how? Or... lucas films? I don't even know if I can get there.

I fought with her over this course.

Fucking stupid.

Do the people around me, who is like having good times, think about this? I mean, I can't really smile fully when that thought.. that future that isn't clear is nagging at the back of my mind.

How do I stop this cycle?

Ponyo is lovely..

2009-08-18T07:34:00.003+08:00

One side of me wants to be an an adult.. Assuming responsibility for everything, wanting to be in charge, to take care.

Another wants to remain as a child, forever easily hurt, playful and very dependant on everyone.

I am stuck in between.. and I don't want bothh.. I want to be the ocean.

Conflicted much?

2009-08-17T12:14:00.001+08:00

More videos yeah? :D Holidays are like these baby, lounging around, playing with friends and tons of videos stuff!

Loved this, all rights to MSN.COM and stupidvideos.com

One Magical Proposal

Find out whether she said yes

2009-08-16T17:32:00.001+08:00

To all Megan Fox admirers, she has a message for you. And yes, bullies, you're food...

Jennifer's Body Movie coming soon. :)

Isn't that a bit too late?

2009-08-16T11:44:00.002+08:00

People forget and move on. They only remember things that they choose to, and I have come to accept that and not to take it personally. People love you, and then they can hate you, then they can forget you, in just a snap. It's just human nature.

And yeah, technology has brought us closer, and even more further at the same time. Haven't you realised?

Kane Kati / Anna Vissi (Greek)

2009-08-15T18:53:00.002+08:00

Κάνε κάτι
Do something

Στίχοι: Ελεάνα Βραχάλη
Μουσική: Γιάννης Χριστοδουλόπουλος
Πρώτη εκτέλεση: Άννα Βίσση

Άμα σου ζητούσα τις μεγάλες αλλαγές
if I asked of you big changes
Άμα σου ζητούσα να μαχαίρωνες το χθες
if I asked of you to stub the yesterday
Άμα σου ζητούσα μόνο εμένα πια να θες
if I asked you to desire only me
Πες μου τι λες
tell me what do you think

Άμα σου ζητούσα στα νερά σου να βουτώ
if I asked of you to dive within your waters
Άμα σου ζητούσα ουρανό για να πετώ
if I asked of you a bit of sky, so as to fly
Άμα σου ζητούσα στο φεγγάρι ένα χορό
if I asked of you a dance, on the moon
Πες μου αν μπορώ
tell me if I can

Πες μου κάτι, κάνε κάτι
Tell me something, do something
Μη μ’ αφήνεις πάλι στο κενό
don't let me once more, in empty space
Όλο πέφτω κι όλο ψάχνω να σε βρω
I keep falling and I keep looking for you
Πες μου κάτι, κάνε κάτι
tell me something, do something
Κι αν δε θέλεις τώρα να σωθώ
and if you don't want me to be saved now
Τη θηλιά σου μόνο δωσ’ μου να πνιγώ
just give me your noose, so that I choke
Κάνε κάτι - λάθος ή σωστό
do something - either wrong or right

Άμα σου ζητούσα στα γυαλιά να μην κοπώ
if I asked of you not to be cut upon the glasses
Άμα σου ζητούσα μες στο ψέμα μου να ζω
if I asked of you to allow me to live within my lie
Άμα σου ζητούσα και το τέλος να μη δω
if I asked of you not to watch the end
Πες μου αν μπορώ
tell me if I can

Μη μου λες πολλά, δε ζητάω πολλά
Don't say too much, I'm not asking for too much
Αν δε γλιτώσουμε, αγάπη μου
if we're not save, my darling
Αν δε γλιτώσουμε ας πεθάνουμε αγκαλιά
if we're not save, may we die holding each other
Μη, μη μου λες πολλά
Don't, don't tell me too much
Δε ζητάω πολλά
I'm not asking for too much
Θέση στη χαρά
a place in joy
Μη, την καρδιά σωσ’ τη μια φορά
Don't, save the heart just once
Ή τελείωσε την πια..
or bring it to an end...

2009-08-15T18:22:00.002+08:00

To all those who bring suffering to others:

I dare you to show your evil in front of me. I will personally destroy you. And if I fail, I'll bring you down with me.

And my dreams are getting more and more accurate. Bad or good thing?

2009-08-15T18:19:00.001+08:00

Best blend of most of MJ Songs together~

2009-08-13T12:38:00.003+08:00

Is it just me, or do I keep smelling different scents of blood everywhere I go?

Strange..

Victory

2009-08-13T00:39:00.003+08:00

One day, I will do what you did to me.

I will call everyone, talk to everyone but you, even when you're just in front of me.
I will talk in a language you don't understand, crack jokes and make you feel small.
I will smile and play with that person beside you but never you.
I will make you wear my shoes and force you to see, but oops, I'm sorry.

And I will say to you, what you've always indirectly said to me.

I didn't realize it. Did I hurt you? It's just that, it's so hard to speak in English. I don't know how to translate~ I love to talk in my own language, and nahh, you don't need to know~ It's just another joke~

2009-08-10T22:59:00.004+08:00

Hey guys, sorry about the pic thing. I can't upload it to the laptop because of the bluetooth connection failure. Gonna fix that soon tho~

Quick update: Love the national day this time. Cause, its much more action packed, and almost made me believe that there is a bomb threat. Of course, it can't be. And the way Cheeryl Fox's mouth slide a bit too much gave away that it ain't real.

I love the new Firefly song by Owl City. Very relaxing and earthy feel, with such vivid imaginative words used. It's not too rock, nor too fast, just the right pace, to keep you going while still letting you be relax. And I seriously think Fish should try to publish that national day poem he made, it might just win competitions.

Monday today, is the best Monday I've ever had. A beautiful sleep, 7 hours non-stop without myself suddenly awake in the middle of the night. Woke up, and a pleasant suprise. Got a bigger table for my work area, and I love it. Black and circle too, unique work space table.

Played badminton with my brother, been such a long time since I've spent such quality time with him. He is getting so much better nowadays! Me, a badminton pro now turned noobie because of assignments, or maybe my bro is just too good. XD Anyway, yeah, I know it's hard to believe me a badminton pro, but think whatever you like.

After having a good bath, did my work, and did 70 percent of it. I still have the finale part of the video to settle. Tomorrow's headache then. I have to smile to Ryan again, cause I've not done his work.. Again.

Pressure because my friends are like, super hardworking. Can you take a chill pill? :P

Shame on me.

Anyway, made new friends on Friday, so happy!

YEah, another plain happy day for me, just the way I like it~ :P

2009-08-08T15:24:00.000+08:00

I feel so cute all of a sudden! :D

Okay, gonna post pics that I've like delayed for so long!

2009-08-07T00:09:00.002+08:00

Short update:

Just wondering, why did I even care about a person, who just don't give a damn about anything but themselves?

So blind.

And I'm wondering, am I that blind too?

Twitter Me Pretty

2009-08-04T09:22:00.001+08:00

Can I just twitter through my blog? It will make you read more. XDD

2009-08-04T09:18:00.000+08:00

I feel so proud! I arrived earlier than Vicky and teacher today!!

So coool. That is an achievement, since my first year! I've never been this early except for my first days in SP.

I am really happy! And now I know what happen before class starts. Comtech people will bring in cleaners to clean the room and play some music.

It was some Mozart Piece.

AHhhhhh.. Heaven, now I am just going to watch the rest of the class struggle to get to class, with the MRT so packed.

:D WHEEE.

Just Another Toy

2009-07-31T22:51:00.003+08:00

I got a feeling that some people thinks I'm a toy to be used when I'm needed. To cover up and etc.

Do I give out this aura? That I'm some kind of disposable toy that's available whenever you need me?

Please. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to make anyone cry. But if you push me too far, I will break everything inside you and maybe even out.

And by then, I won't feel sorry.

Sun Rays & Marshmellows

2009-07-31T20:50:00.005+08:00

I really love the way you just look at me and smile, without saying anything. I can't stop thinking about it.

I had a great day today! Lesson outdoors with Weasley teaching us about how to use the crane. I love it when it's outdoors cause I can go toilet, eat, anything while still learning. Aiyah, why can't I just hire a few guys 5 dollars each, and help me set up. Haha! I am very cheapskate and lazy, thank you very much.

I asked Rong Rong, how come like other's never come? She said, Oh Jia Yi was sick. I thought, well, that's acceptable. Then, she continued. "Shawn went back to sleep." ROTFLMAO. Jaslyn is really very entertaining! She is very high nowadays and I love it! :D

After that had GEMS, and I became the genius in the class in one day. HAHA! I found a cheat way to get the answers, and everyone was hungry for it. I love the way they kept saying that thank god there is such a genius in class. I thought that cheat way was a common idea! Look's like I am the only one who thought of it.. They had just willingly boosted my ego by tenfold. Wow, look at me, puffy ego Aisyah! Thought of charging for my services, thanks to Dave. But nvm lah, maybe one day~

Something embarassing happened to me today. Man, I really didn't see him there.

After GEMS, went 'shopping' with Phoebe and Xiang Ting. Ohmygod, it's the first time I really love retail therapy! The wonders of looking through tons of rainbow make-ups, perfumes, and clothes, plus plus all the tingling smell of food, and the energy of people all around me. Haha! I must have been spending too much time at home. And wow, I love Banquet! It's like HALAL paradise!! So many food, without having to consider or worry if it's Halal, and so delicious at that! It's affordable too!

-sighs-

I don't know when I can ever have such a day like this again, but I am going to create more days like this. I CAN!

I can sleep well tonight.. And I'm worried about my brother. BRO, I LOVE YOU (x10)!

2009-07-28T23:42:00.002+08:00

I've realised why I have so many mind blanks, anger.. and boredom, and feelings as a loser..

I've lived in fear. So much fear, so used to it, I can't even tell it's there, until I dig deep enough.

I'm afraid of everything. Of losing security.. The more I seek security, the more I lose it. So perverse..

I have to build my courage .. And embrace fear as my guidance.

2009-07-24T22:42:00.002+08:00

The more I'm honest with myself, especially with parts of me that I hate to see, the more that small part of me inside start to smile and love me.

I guess self-love starts with the truth. Even if you haven't do anything to change your situation, the truth has powers that can open hearts.

If I were given the choice of power over truth ( and get shunned because of it), I will always choose truth, cause I don't want to imprison my spirit. And even if I initially choose power to save whomever I love, I won't deny the truth.

Honestly.

2009-07-24T18:10:00.005+08:00

WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~

All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.

I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.

I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.

I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.

I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.

All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.

Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.

When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.

It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.

I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.

It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.

I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.

Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.

There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.

Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.

Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.

On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P

2009-07-19T21:43:00.002+08:00

I've wasted time. I've come to terms that you will never accept me. That you are not to be counted upon, it's okay.

At least I know now, rather than when I'm in need.

Cause you've never felt the pain I've felt. Good for you, and bad for you.

I hope you don't have to go through my pain to open your eyes.

2009-07-19T16:47:00.002+08:00

I am in one of my super rare high mood right now! Just played NeedForSpeed-CARBON that I stole from the lab, and I got high. It's my passion for racing, I really love the speed.

It was recently that when my friend and I took a cab, the cab sped man, but I was enjoying it and going daze with the rush of lights passing me by. Of course, my friend got naturally scared. Nothing happened, just me getting excited that the cab sped most of the time.

If only drift racers are cab drivers, I will take cab everyday.

I am missing my handsome friend again. Hey, I keep dreaming.

Nothing much happened today, cause I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. It was actually great! Those seemingly boring parts actually kept my attention, the characters played are getting better. The quiet times while they talk to each other (Hermione, Harry, Ron) made me feel cosy in the cinema. Of course, if you've never read Harry Potter & Half-blood prince, some parts will be confusing. It's pretty fast paced, but I love the effects. The Ginny and Harry kissing part was actually bearable to watch, considering my love for Harry and Hermione. Malfoy got more screen time, and I LOVE IT.

Helena as Bellatrix is mega awesome. Her evil eyes just captivates me, as though she has been that way all her life. Super bad ass villain. If I were to be bad, I want to be like Bellatrix but with more powers, thank you. Hysterical woman~

Malfoy showed his sentimental, softer side while still maintaning his act-tough look. Super adorable. Is it just me? Or is Daniel Rad getting less cute every time? Harry harry, Malfoy's catching up on the swoon and looks department! Watch your back, i mean your face! If you love seeing cute guys crying, watch it. Malfoy's is marshmellows!

I recommend you to watch it after knowing some major parts of the story. And there were a lot to be cut, but I am pretty satisfied! Funny parts in it is super cute. I love the actress who goes gaga over Ron, made my day with her obsession for him.

BOO to all who said this movie is 2/5. It's 4/5!

I'm still pretty intimidated with my classmates. Yeah, ego trip is going down . And there are others who think they did a lot, but didn't. Well well, what can I say? People and their delusions.

The question that keeps popping up my mind is ..

"How do you make fair-weather friends, care genuinely for you?" Is it really impossible?

What is the quickest way to pick the true friends out of all the facades? Who loves you for you and has no hidden agendas? Is there even such a thing as no agendas?

I mean, everyone loves themselves. Hard to sacrifice that part of you, for someone else.

Life, life, you make me play so many games. Can't I just have the cheat code for just a while? You know I love you~ Is there a way that instead of playing those games, you give me a car, and leave my spirit to drive to it's higher consciousness?

You lost me? Confused, its okay, I talk to myself some times. Its therapeutic.

;P

2009-07-19T16:35:00.001+08:00

Fucking weird but super cute video!

2009-07-18T22:47:00.001+08:00

I guess we are all stuck. Stuck in our own set of eyes.

Yeah, now I know why there's so much hate and love.

Its a bit hard to see yourself in an objective way.

2009-07-15T23:47:00.002+08:00

I feel like vomitting and swallowing at the same time.

I feel like staying awake and just sleep until everythings gone.

I feel like being reckless and just hide in one corner,

I am the example of a walking contradiction, battling a struggle that was born out of 'experience'.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

2009-07-15T19:52:00.002+08:00

Someone whispers into my ear while I was napping. I don't think anyone really whispered anything... But that voice said..

"Think of him as an example, a life' mission. Not as someone who you've lost. You've never lost anyone. They are all parts of you. In your heart, they are your pieces that are unbreakable. Yours forever, and the generations after you."

And I woke up, with my heart surging with energy. Unscratched, unscathed.

I guess now I see death as something that signifies that that part of me has given me lessons, and has serve his/her purpose. And time for me to prove myself.

Of course, when the moon rise up, bittersweet feelings comes up. But I go deeper inside my mind, my heart, and I know, everything and everyone I love is within me.

Within.

2009-07-15T11:06:00.001+08:00

Who is more cruel? the one who pushes away everyone because of a pain people don't understand, or those who left her alone to struggle and only come to her, to make themselves smile?

2009-07-13T01:49:00.002+08:00

I remember this so well.. His ah beng hair, dyed only at the tips. LAWL.

Muacks beloved Ed.

At the start and from 2:10 onwards.

2009-07-12T19:34:00.001+08:00

I want to scream, SCREAM SCREAMM!!!

SCREAM, for this fucking world is so fucking unfair! SCREAMMM TILL EVERYONE STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER UP!

SCREAAM TILL THE PAIN AND WAR STOP! SCREEAMM UNTIL ALL THE EVIL FLEE IN FEAR!

SCREEAAM UNTIL YOU ARE BACK!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-12T16:02:00.003+08:00

I'm so happy so happy that I made you laughed so hard with my random jokes Edwin!

I remember the day we were suppose to act about the random japanese things, for the TC Gets Confused. I remember how I anyohow say stupid things in front of everyone and single handedly made you guffawed and smack the floor a few times because you were cracking up.

Edwin, I really didn't know what I was saying! :D

Saying "Mitsubishi katana konichiwa!!"

I can still remember your laughter, so hard and loud.

I would rather die just to hear that again. My god, I wish I had more memories of you like that. I remember blushing so hard when you praise how funny I was.

I will never forget that moment. It is my best memory of you my dear Edwin.

I feel so proud I made you laugh. So proud.

I also remember how much you ate in front of me during camp meetings. One big packet de. How you tried to chat me and the others up even tho we don't really know each other at that time. I love your card tricks when you shuffled them and performed them smoothly. But damn it, you never teach me!!

How we just hang out and said lame jokes.

Oh wow..

See you later Edwin. I promise you that. Don't you dare cry , wherever you are. I am going to carry your spirit on, one way or another.

2009-07-10T22:32:00.002+08:00

I feel like a part of me is gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

No, I say it now.

Goodbye, my dear. I'll always remember you, my goofy friend. I'm so happy that I got to know such a special person, and that even though for a short while, I'm honoured to have you in my memories. You are one guy that I totally respect and admire. May you be happy wherever you are, and free of all kinds of pain. I love you. Rest in peace, dear.

I remember his smile the most. That was the first thing I saw about him, and the last thing I remember.

Oh god, it just hurts. Why do all the good people gone too soon?

2009-07-10T09:54:00.000+08:00

i just found out my friend... whom i had a crush on, just passed away.

2009-07-06T23:22:00.003+08:00

There is a line between complaining to vent frustration, and just bloody whining.

Well, everyone! Hi, I'm back! I'm feeling much better these days, thanks to my family, Michael Scofield and sleep. And my huge steady drop of hormones. My hormones are going boogy dancing alot of times. A disco going on in my own body and I'm not even invited.

Of course, friends like Ethel, Jia Yi and more made my day as well! Gan Joo, if you ever read this, you can be fucking annoying. There, I said it. :D But still, you're entertaining!

I am loving my drama people even more. Always can count on them to go crazy. Can totally laugh my ass off while watching them trying to do beat boxing. Meetings.. hahaha!! Meetings are place to goof off and get blown away by their lame jokes. Loving them~

Everyone is chionging assignments today. I was a bit bored going around looking at people trying to do Maya. Afterall, I spent a lot of time just thinking about maya. Maya should be my husband, cause I spent a lot of time with him. I do feel a bit threatened by those who are doing maya paintings. Their work is so nice, it should be called a photography or painting. I should stop putting so much of self-worth into my work. It ain't healthy man..

I feel nervous about my assignment for PVFX. Teaming up with 3 girls, and one dude that I don't really know well. Well, at least the girls I know them, so I don't feel intimidated. I hope I can make this project work and push it to an A. Serious A. Sick of getting B's. Maybe bond as well~

:P

I can't wait for tomorrow cause I can watch Prison Break, it's like my late night show that keeps me going, to do assignments. I need stimulation, and the best is that show.

I think I lost one of the magazines from library. Dang, money again. Never mind, no more losing of items next time.

I think something is not quite right. I exposed even a bit of myself, and I feel sick. As I do now. Like, as though I am naked in front of everyone else.

That is so sick. I don't know why I feel this way. Something must have happened in the past that I don't remember. I don't like explaining my true feelings, I don't like my feelings bared. And if I do explain, I feel much much sick afterwards.

Both ways I feel sick. But baring my feelings usually make me feel more sick.

What the heck.

2009-07-03T23:23:00.001+08:00

I want someone to play with me!! Badly man..

Anything, blow bubbles, play hopscotch, just play with me what I want to play, just for now..

Cause I think I'm going insane. Play and go crazy with me people!!! I'm losing it seriously, my sanity is slipping.

2009-07-02T21:50:00.002+08:00

I really admire bloggers who are very cheery and happy! It's so delightful to just read, like I could be part of that joy. It really makes my day.

I've lost and forgotten my purpose to blog. I can twit.. even though I don't want to twit on tweeter. Frankly, I do find Tweeter a bit, silly.

And I don't know. I feel like I'm in, but I know somehow I'm still not. I'm not part of 'it'. It's so strong, the feeling. I'm just the odd one out. Maybe I'm overemotional or something, but I derive from the clues. I am just not in it. To think, finally I fit. I guess, maybe not.

I'm pretty okay being alone. It does bother me time to time, but I guess I'm getting better at this.

Okay, I think I better stop. I don't want to bare my feelings out too much. I'm motivated by strong emotions, but currently, all these emotions are coming from matters that shouldnt matter, that shouldn't happen and that shouldn't be known to everyone.

As sick as this may sound, all this problems are somehow mine. Mine, and nobody else. And I like that feeling. XD I guess, being by myself does weird things to my mind.

I will blog, hopefully soon when my emotions are coming from happy stuff that I'm willing to share.

:)

2009-06-29T08:01:00.001+08:00

A tribute performed by 1,500 CPDRC Inmates on June 27, 2009 in memory of Michael Jackson. Completed in 10 hours after receiving word that the King of Pop passed away. May he always be remembered. "Ben" and "I'll be there" were sung by Michael when he was still younger! "We are the World" was composed and organized by MJ.

Beautiful tribute, and gives me a glimpse how Michael has touched the world. Rest in peace, dearest Michael Joseph Jackson.

2009-06-26T19:58:00.001+08:00

Some people can be really ignorant to the contributions of this great man, Michael Jackson.

If you don't care, fine, you've lost the chance to celebrate him when he was alive.

All I ask is:

Don't even criticize him in front of me. Don't even give me any look, or scoff, or hiss, or anything. If you don't like MJ, for this period of time, stay the hell away from me.

If not, I'll make sure you'll cry one way or another.

So don't.

2009-06-26T08:11:00.001+08:00

It explains why I was so sad yesterday. Which I thought, was for no reason.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

I still love you.

2009-06-24T23:22:00.002+08:00

I feel like something's totally different.

Something inside of me, is awaken. Calling me to fight once more. To fight all the fear, and all the doubt I have had of myself.

I am beginning to do things I've not been doing anymore. I smiled at strangers. I looked people right in the eye, and I am strong enough to choose not to fight for the small things.

I am beginning to see the bigger picture. And to hold on to that.

There is a strong urge in my soul to find a greater purpose. A grand one.

Now I know where the funny Aisyah had went. To pull out the Siti that was healing inside.

Siti Aisyah.

I didn't know such power that lies in my name.

Welcome back.

2009-06-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

:P

I'm still here, and well. Getting better!

Not much post cause I've been blogging personal stuffs privately.

I'm thinking, what is raytracing? Global illumination, layered shaders? And afraid that I might aim too big that I'll overcomplicate things. Like I've always did. But it made me learn much faster, with great consequences also.

And, my voice is finally able to sing well, albeit it being only at the low notes. Not much range yet. Hanging on stiLL! :P Of course, the more I improve, I get more excited, I will start to over-train myself. Which of course makes me go back a few steps, due to sore throat, or loss of voice.

Guitar and WaCOM. Money come flying to me now! If I had a dollar for every time someone said that...

Transformers have finally arrived! Can't wait to watch!!! Loves Shia and Megan and those awesome badass robots. Mad TV is HOT, on a random note.

I think it's just me? Cause I love hot guys who kiss each other. If they are straight, even better. But no, girls kissing just turns me off.

I've been playing left 4 dead for god-knows-how-long, and I still can't master my turning of character! I will start to panic when there's a horde and just start spraying bulllets, or I will turn slowly to make sure I see everything right.

My wrists hurt bad, cause been carrying heavy stuff of library, wiping dusts here and there. BizIt Library is moving people! Near Red Bridge, and be sure to drop by there! It's a building on its own now, yet still smaller than main library.

And I want my funny Aisyah back. I miss her, bad.

2009-06-20T23:39:00.002+08:00

My post is getting shorter yeah? Cause I don't really like the way I write.

It ain't interesting. It doesn't have much value to share to you.

Successful blogs entertain, teach, and invoke/provoke you somehow.

Mine? Uh-huh, just ramblings of how I feel so sad that my shower isn't heating as fast as it should. And how I think bananas always look wrong.

Nothing inspiring ain't it? XDDD

Reading a lot of things that making me move forward. Like FINALLY. Been stuck back and forth with my i-want-to-glue-myself-on-you habits.

My life's dementors are running away. For good.

:)

2009-06-20T23:35:00.002+08:00

I just want to say, I've finally conquered the fear of exercising. I exercised and for the first time, really love the feel of perspiration rolling on my skin. The heat waves when my blood surged everywhere to release the heat.

Oh wow, it feels like I can feel every vein.

And I want to exercise again. I really do now.

It wasn't fear of being tired, or the pain. It was the fear that I might give up someday, that I might forget the purpose of exercising, that I would end up being disappointed again.

That would sucked.

But yeah, I love this. I don't mind exercising now.

;)

2009-06-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

Wow, I have a very fascinating thought.

If you have no fear, no limitations, where would you be?

Would you be the best succesful person there is? Or the worst?

2009-06-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

Every morning I put it on.
I walk outside and I am gone.
And I don't seem to mind anymore.
I can't think what it was like
Before...
I wore it all the time.

Uh-huh..

In the evening I take it off,
But there's another one underneath,
And I can't seem to find the bottom of the stack I
Just might lose my mind and never get it back, but
At least I'll get inside.

Uh-huh...

At least I'll get inside.

Uh-huh...

There's a feeling that I get sometimes.
It's so small that it's easy to hide.
It's like a howling voice from the distant past.
It seems I've got no choice when it comes to this.
It's building up inside.

Uh-huh,
It's building up inside.

2009-06-13T12:46:00.002+08:00

Had a very good party yesterday!! Watched a freaking hilarious movie, that I laughed until I choked on air.

HAHA! Land of the lost, is very recommended for nonsensical humour that is guranteed to make you laugh~ And it made me hate bug bugs. EWW!

:P

I just woke up after reaching home at 12am yesterday. It feels like I've drink a lot of alcohol and am having a very bad hangover right now.

I swear my body produces its own type of alcohol everytime I laugh.
LAWL, it's halal at least.

A lot of thanks and love to Mr Kenny Ong who made the best party of the month! I love his house, so much games, and toys, and a spacious area for a nice bbq.

Let's go there again guys~ Not soon, but during another vacation~Lovely bondage.
I MEAN, bonding time.

XD

2009-06-11T11:41:00.002+08:00

I had a dream today.

I dreamt that I was on my bed, coughing with dried up tears. I looked at my watch, and it said "Tuesday, the 30th". Then, I saw my hand, wrinkled, and with spots.

I tried to sit up, but I have no strength. I looked at my house, and it was quiet. I called out for anybody, but no one answered.

I felt afraid, and I wanted to pee.

Then, I felt a big sharp pain in my abdomen. It was so painful I cannot even scream. Then the world slowly faded, and I wasn't able to breathe. I felt dizzy and at that point, I knew I was going to die..

And I woke up, trembling. With tears in my eyes, I realized I just dreamt that I died alone.

If I had to die, I wished I would die in my sleep, and not even know if I died alone or not. I would have nice dreams before I go.

I don't want to know.

2009-06-09T23:55:00.002+08:00

I read a quote about how happiness should be from inside, and not from other people, or material stuff.

The problem with me is, "I don't know what's empty inside." I don't know what it is that's causing me to be unhappy.

Do you even know what's making you feeling empty? Always seeking other people and stuff to fill yourself up?

Imagine, a world without people. Can I even be happy?! Come on, get real. It will be boring! And, I might just try doing stupid things to not be lonely.

Happyiness needs both ways. You can't just have it from the inside. You need outside as well.

But it will be of course better, if you are happy inside as well. So, anyone knows how to be really happy inside?

Meditation, zen? More sleep? Gratitude? Appreciation? Faith?

And sometimes, self-help books should be renamed as "The Misguided Ones". Most of the self-help books are short-term stuff, not long term. It's pretty much bull.

2009-06-08T04:00:00.002+08:00

OMG. I finally finish all of my assignments,.. for now.

SERIOUS man. I finished all of them after toiling for three weeks and a half straight, 3am.

And, oh god, I wish I could just steal you. Really steal you and make you mine.

Of course, that ain't gonna happen. I'm nice. And the fact that the way you think is so similar to me doesn't really help me lessen the temptation.

You're so delicious.

Never mind then. Let me be the grapes for the fox this time round.

;)

Sleeping beauty,
awakened by the slushing sea
of glassy ruby.

2009-06-07T23:14:00.002+08:00

From now on, I shall reveal who I truly am. The way I blog may be different, for that girl was my facade. A way for me to fit in a society which I don't really relate to.

I do live in my own world, blinded by my own strengths and faults.

Don't touch me to make me feel better. Touch me because I am your special one. Don't touch me because you're obligated. Touch me because you long to do so.

I dislike touches that don't mean anything, especially of only lust or anger. I will hate you for it. Especially if a stranger bumps into me many times, especially in MRT's. Of course, it ain't their fault. However, sometimes some of them don't even bother to mantain their balance and keep bumping other people. I almost ,by a strand of hair's patience, cursed and claw that man in the face, maybe include some spit too. Get some balls to balance yourself.

Much as the saying goes "Tell the people you love, that you love them." Well, I don't. If you know me, I don't really express that affection through words. Words are not of utmost importance to me. People are different. Some wants you to say you love them a million times. I don't need that. I want you to show me, to make me believe you care. The meaning, the actions are what I hold on to. If I love you more than anything, I would go up to you and touch you. Massage you, cuddle you. Touching is my way of showing a peek of my heart and my acceptance.

That's why touching for me is a big deal. I am not very open that way but if I do, I give up my soul for you.

In the back of my head, I secretly believe I am unlovable. That if someone did love me, they are lying. That they are mocking me. Trying to deceive me, so I would give up something for them, so I would be at their mercy. Believing that everyone around me just don't really like me as a whole. If I do something that I want but go against them, I will lose everything. My ugly, my beauty. Yes, I have my issues.

Why am I exposing so much right now, right here? If you're affected by what I say, I just want you to know, you're not alone.

Many people feel lonely because they hide their true hearts behind that million dollar smile and that shiny red car.

To B-A:
Well, you've said you've gave them a chance. Gave even me a chance. But, did you really? Your mere smile was not really there for the others, for me to easily approach you. From my view, you bury yourself in entertainment and your own convictions, that they owe you. Maybe you should have instead made a move. If you want to go, you have my best wishes. Let us part with smiles.

Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

2009-06-03T23:15:00.002+08:00

I am just beat.

And why did I ever like him? I mean, right now, he is nothing special. Just a random dude trying to pave his way in life. How did I made him so special before? I don't know, it escapes me. And to think I cry over him.

My life wasn't always like this. I wasn't that chick who could just strike a conversation with anyone. I was that chick who was so called, the outcast. The fucking bitch, they would say. The ones who cannot keep her secrets and other secrets to herself. The one who tries to burrow herself in magazines and books, and homework just to make sure she looks like she don't need a friend.

Basically, the one. The lonely one.

I don't know how I get so gregarious. And.. yes, people I do have a past. People sometimes bug me when they say, "So Aisyah, where did all your primary and secondary school friends go?"

"Wah, you so little friend huh? No life outside"

Who are you to judge how much life I have? Just because I don't seem to have as much friends as you do doesn't mean a shit. Not at all. For all I care, all your so called friends are just acquaintances. The few that you said I have, is the few that ever really stuck to me. I'd rather have a few best friends, then tons of acquaintances. Yeah, contacts, whatever. But sometimes, these acquaintances are just people that use you and to be used by you. Just that. Not much deeper connection.

I don't need that. If I do need people to be used, I can easily find them. And I don't have to waste time, mantaining the 'relationship'.

Sorry if I make it sound as though people are so disposable. But, this is how I protect myself. I don't just let anyone stick to me. Either they are my trusted ones, or they are out. Once I feel like the other party doesn't really value me that much, appreciate and all that shit, then, I'll start backing away.

People come and go.

I don't know why I am blogging about this. I am just insulted when people value my worth by counting how many friends I have. They keep doing this to the point I just want to bash their mouth. Maybe even their brain.

And I am also disgusted if you think that friends are like trophies to be showed off. Friends are responsibilities, people to be loved, taken care of, and really be your family. It's like an oath. One can never get to know anyone completely. NEVER. Everyone is so much full of so many layers. If you can have so many friends and still do your best part for every one of them, then I respect you. If not, fuck off.

My worth is for me to judge. If you don't like what I can offer to you, you can walk away. As simple as that.

And I am so fucking pissed by the minute. I think I just need my sleep.

2009-06-02T22:51:00.003+08:00

I think I need to have some of my memories robbed away from me. I just took the wrong turn. I have made that mistake again. Thrice.

I need advice. I need help to get out.

I don't want to carry this on any longer. I want a way out. It's enough that I've suffered for something that I need.

It's not something I deserve. I didn't ask for this.

Not at all.

I will get out. I've promised.

2009-05-28T23:25:00.001+08:00

OMG. I feel most emo now.

This is so freaking rare day.

I think I will enjoy being emo for tonight. :)

2009-05-28T20:18:00.003+08:00

I need a day where everyone just stops moving. Where time stops.

And I can go around, and visit every single person I knew, and hug them. And whisper to them, "You are never alone." Kiss them, and leave a present that they want so dearly in their heart.

I will go and stand by the river, to see the sunset staying there for so long. I will caress the birds since it can't move. I will carry the stray animals in the neighbourhood and give them to children or people who are lonely.

I will steal some people's wallet and donate a part of it to the beggar, erase the beggar's belief and give them courage.

I will take away the memories of war, and intention to have war.

I will rewrite the book of history, so that it won't be lessons of pain, but lessons of love.

I will go do Maya now. HAHAHA!

2009-05-28T20:04:00.003+08:00

Wondering whether my hornyness got limit..

Wanting to be a superstar in front of billions of crazy lovable fans.

Wishing for a beautiful boy so I can kiss him.

Weeping for the wasted seconds that keeps flowing

Wheeling through my thoughts and questioning whether I'm pushing other people's limit.

Weaving thoughts to stop myself from being desperate.

Waiting for someone to just rob me of my mind for a moment

Wooing the chair to just be pathetic

Wasting my brainpower on thinking how I can take this life, when I want a guitar.

2009-05-28T19:42:00.002+08:00

Someone today told me that any guy who becomes my boyfriend won't ever be bored.

Somehow, that comment gives a painful aftertaste

2009-05-23T13:15:00.003+08:00

GAH. There are too many cute boys around. XDD And they are getting more confident each time I meet a new one! Some of them dared to like dance and hump each other with those smiles on their faces. Well, they are straight and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Afterall, I love gay couples. Especially hot gay couples, they are like music to my eyes. Well, I can always play with them, if you know what I mean...

Well, update about me huh? I have like three assignments I have to rush. Digital Matte, EffectsAnimation and DCM Animatics. I am seriously beginning to like my course more and more. I am even looking forward to do my homework, which did not happen last year. But, I still love playing more...

And I am quite excited. I have two new ongoing crush right now. It's not those I-find-him-cute-only-and-I'llget-over-him-soon kind! It's those where the moment I see them, I start to lose focus on reality, and goes into a passionate mode.. Those kind where you see lovebirds cannot get enough of each other. That's what keep me going to school, besides having friends there, when I'm heavily down with illness. :P And both of them don't know I am crazy about them.

I guess I am still a a teenage girl huh? *blushes*

And wow, I love the first year freshies. A few of them are hot and they love to talk to me. Some even have managerial post at some centres outside of school. They are so much wiser than most of my friends. Kudos and Power to them!

I am so excited about Singapore Idol! The audition date is getting really near, like this coming JU Some of my friends are joining to experience what's its like, and I so want to accompany them and feel the atmosphere! The waiting, the anticipation, and the joy! I might even get to meet some cute dudes~

Oh yeahhh.

The best thing is that I've finally come to terms with this quote - " If you don't need it , you're most likely to attract it." I have to work on fulfilling all my emotional needs with a lot of different people.. instead of focusing on one person, so I won't suck dry those around me.

I know that sounded wrong. 8D

And to "NME" - I might be acting a bit off these days. To tell the truth, I feel like we are strangers again. After the times passes by , I kind of don't really get to connect with you like we did last time. Even though you're happy and high, and I'm happy for you and really want to be part of that happiness, I still feel awkward. It's like trying to be mushy and happy with a stranger you've just met. I guess it's true what you've said. I know you're trying your best to connect with me, and I appreciate it more than you know. Well, just accept me in as I am now, even though I am not as emotionally open and present as the others. I will give all I've got to be close as we were before. I am thankful you still held on to our friendship. Thanks a lot!

I just found out that there is such a place where there are no cars or motors or engines at all! it's Makinac Island in Machigan. These motor vehicles were actually banned since 1898! It looks like those Victorian/English settings hundred years ago. They used hydroelectric means to generate power and they use their waste efficiently. I want to go there, and ride the horses. It will be so free of the smoke!

2009-05-22T23:21:00.002+08:00

Now I love Sin City, by tons! It's so badass!! The graphics are so black & white cool, the characters are bloody intimidating and strong, and.. especially the music, I'm addicted to the music!

I wished they won the best picture or something for this movie! & did I mention, the bonus thing is its R21? :P

Of course, if you're like... shaking your head, go watch Happy Feet kay?

Thanks to someone, I love it!!

Going to try and watch the whole movie. Of course, if you guys want...you've got to try find it on your own. XDDD

Did I mention that my eyeliner drop into a toilet bowl?!! In the middle of the morning, as I was rushing to school, it just dropped into the mrt toilet bowl! Omgod, I was like in serious conflict with myself whether to take it or not.

Damn. Toilet bowl, public one somemore.

You want to know if I take it back or not? Ask me.. XDD

Been damn tired these days. My sleeping cycle got all jumbled up and I am like staying awake at 12 am, and wanting to drop dead on the classroom floor at 10am. Now, its getting better. All thanks to Melt who so lovingly lent me oil for headaches.

If not, I will be like having a mega-automatic drill in my head. And one big hole in my IQ.

I still have not started my assignment. ONE part says DIE. The other says, GAMBATTE.

GAMBATTE DIE!!

2009-05-21T00:22:00.001+08:00

I really love TC now.

<33333

2009-05-19T22:27:00.003+08:00

I wish I can have someone right now whom I can rock with, cuddle with, sentimental, be random with , tease each other and just sleep hugging each other at night. And his scent smells nice to me.

Haish. Sorry, singlehood does that to me. XD

Nvm, I shall go and have random threesomes.

2009-05-17T22:17:00.002+08:00

Wow. Last night I had a lucid dream! Lucid dream is when you are aware you're dreaming, and you're able to control what goes in those dreams!!

I was like in an open space, garden? And tables, with ladies and men sitting around. Of course, at that point, my mind was thinking of doing a lot of wrong things. DREAM WORLD, you can do anything!

I calmed myself down before I wake up, and I tried to have someone to hug me. It feels ticklish. LOL Seriously, that was super weird. Then, I tried kissing this man. This super handsome man, gorgeous.

You know what he did? Instead of letting me kiss him, he hugged me and carried me. I was holding him, afraid that I would fall. But his grip was strong and firm, then he spun me around , and for the first time in my life, I felt light. I felt like a man finally makes me feel worth enough to actually carry all of me.

I totally lost control of that man. I cannot control his actions. Everyone else, I can control. But he, he just insist to carry me. Then while he spun me around, making me feel like I am flying, he look at me, and kiss me .

I felt super loved that night.

To the man of my dreams, literally, thank you. I love you!

2009-05-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

MY SELF-PRAISE TO MYSELF. You can copy this, and replace my name with yours. Read it until you accept it, and actually smile! :D Let those praises be accepted, love!

Inspired by this video!!!! <3 much love to those who created it. I love you.

You.

You have an amazing face. Such flexibility in a face and such strength in there to smile non-stop!
You are amazing.
You are great! You come to school with so much intent to cheer everyone up, despite you feeling a little down. That's honourable, Aisyah! Most people would wait for others to make the first move, but you, YOU, you made the first step. You dare to approach a stranger and smile.

Such a beauty.

You are so thoughtful of others, always thinking how others are feeling, even when you just want to stop everything. You always ensure that you never let your inner child go away. You are a dreamer, the most powerful dreamer I've ever known. You have never stop dreaming despite so many things trying to stop you.

What a beautiful lady you are. You really really are. You really have so much drive to make others around you go crazy about life, crazily happy! You make others look forward to meeting you!

Did anyone tell you that you are awesome?

You make everything happen and everyone smile. People love you! And you are extremely smart. You are brave! You dare to make new friends and make a fool of yourself even with the risk that they might really dislike you. You dare to let go of the person you really like so that he can enjoy his own life. That's true personal strength, dear.

You are so trendy! The clothes you wear makes others feel vibrant and let them have a refreshing sight! That's huge! Everyone else won't dare to wear the kind of clothes you wear. Trendy, elegance and originality, that's epicness Aisyah!

You even dare to praise yourself in front of others, exposing your true nature. You don't take things too seriously, and that I really respect in you, my love!

And that is why you are great at what you do! You always strive for the best in everyone and everything you do. You are also extremely passionate. You love to love Aisyah! Not many people do, they've lost so much faith in love. But you kept that faith for so long, its wonderful! You've always made yourself stronger day by day. You have such a beautiful view of the world!

Every day you are able to see at least fifty beautiful things in people around you, in the plants, the animals, the assignments and even in your enemies. You really know how to love. Your loves so pure when you are your happiest.

You love seeing people having sincere smiles. Just seeing them smile makes you feel that you've done your life purpose.

You have every reason to be yourself Siti Aisyah. You are the most beautiful and powerful person in the whole world. And what can I say, extremely attractive!

You know what I want Siti Aisyah? I just want to see you smile!!

Continue doing what you've always did and getting better. Some day, love, SOME DAY REALLY SOON, you will be the one. The one to change the world, to lift people's spirit and give people the courage and strength that they've been looking for all their lifes.

You're fucking beautiful.

2009-05-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

Saw my secret crush again.

He's really so pretty. <3

2009-05-13T18:50:00.003+08:00

im so tired when i type this following post, so don't mind the caps, yeah?

if you have heard this too many times before, yeah, i guess my life is a circle. trying to breakthrough, do something new. but then i realize i've got no map.

all i want is to have someone who cheers me up, who makes me smile when all i want to do is just die inside. is it that hard to do that just for me, just for a day? tell me you're happy when you see me smile.

they say you should keep a smile and go crazy for people to love you. i don't care. i will make you love me no matter what state i am.

you know why i hate assignments? no, not because it's got a deadline, or because it's tough, or i have run out of ideas. i hate it cause when it arrives, you know your time is limited to conversations in a room, conversations about assignments, not conversations of "how's your day", and "what can i do for your today?". no time to joke around, no time to sit by anyone and just look at each other. but time to stare at the computer and sucked into our own world.

i live on relationships, on communications, on jokes, on smiles, on accidental friendships, on hugs, on crushes, on warmth, on eyes, on laughters, and on affection. without these, i will be dead.

i am not afraid of people touching me anymore. but i dislike the after effects when the one who touched me is not there, and i feel double the monochrome.

and when everyone got their own stuff to deal with, i disappear.

i love to be the joker of the day. but man, can i take leave just for a while and have someone else take the limelight, and entertain me instead?

let's take turns. cause too much attention on me is making me feel icky. let it be on you, take the stage, and let me smile because of you.

sometimes its like a joke to me. for someone else to expect me to smile and be happy all the time. there's a beauty in my sadness, my weakness, my desperation and my rage.

hell, we are e' same.

2009-05-11T20:31:00.004+08:00

Today, I accidentally looked straight into someone's eyes, and I forgot to put up my defense. For the first time.

His eyes are really pretty. Really nice to look at. I want to look at those eyes everytime before I sleep, and just after I wake up.

Luckily I remembered to look away. I am actually super happy just to be able to sit that close and look into that person's eyes even just for a second.

It was really like sparks. And my heart warmed when he smiled at me.

But it's okay, it's just one-sided.

PS: To those who think they know that person, sorry, you're wrong. I've never told anyone I like this particular person before.

So yeah, he's my secret crush. <3

2009-05-09T19:41:00.001+08:00

I <3.

2009-05-09T18:22:00.001+08:00

2009-05-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

She wants to touch you, woo ooh
She wants to love you, woo ooh
She'll never leave you woo ooh, woo ooh, ooh ooh
Don't trust me, never trust me,
Won't trust me 'cause she won't trust you...

2009-05-08T23:20:00.002+08:00

I am actually so intent to write on the happy stuff today. Like the videos and stuff.

I find you still cute.

And that I am sad that I might only love myself superficially. Sad that no matter how hard I tries, she gets the love.

It's okay. I know I am only pretending. I just want to be loved. Maybe just a little too badly.

And I miss being able to believe that someone outside my family misses me so bad, they dream of me.

Yeah, I am sad like that.

2009-05-06T21:53:00.003+08:00

OMG. I am so tired today! Seriously tired because working at library now. Walk up, down, left , right, backwards and then back again. My legs and feet seriously in pain now. XD I think soon will be my hands because I will be arranging a lot of books.

I think I am beginning to see a lot of numbers now. All the numbers codes on books. Now, I feel angry when people any-o-how place the book in the library. I can feel the pain of the librarians now.

I think I can feel the pain of everyone. LOL.

I salute librarians all the way. And every workers who work hard to live. The librarians are friendly too! Beginning to like my workplace~

Today is quite a happy/angry/tiring/sad day.

Gosh. I don't know. I feel a very strong urge to be mushy nowadays. That IS SO not me! I am like that tomboy girl. What telah happen to me man? I am beginning to wanting to cheer everyone up, to kiss everyone and just go give free hugs.

I am becoming girly! I seriously don't know how to feel right now. It's like asking a girl to become a guy. For me, its like becoming a girl all over again.

I have a hard time trying to resist jumping on everyone. LOL. Scary shit. And whenever I am too long away from my family, I will start missing everyone. Wow.

And I felt super bad that I failed Ethel's quiz. It's okay, you also failed mine. XDDDDDD

I can go for days being alone last time. Now, I don't want to. Major change man. Now only did I noticed that.

I miss 1a01. I miss my classmates, I miss a lot of people now. I miss my drama peeps. I miss my secondary school friends. I miss my bed. XD

Happy because I saw a lot of handsome guys who were like super friendly to me. Made my day man. Didn't know handsome guys were uber sweet, to me of all people! :D And my drama friends today were quite high! So happy for them!

First time an auntie, a well-dressed auntie, rushed into an mrt and applogised for making me squeezed myself. FIRST TIME, I felt cared by another stranger. Singaporeans, where are your manners ?

Had fun in class today~ But assignments, I didn't even notice they are piling up. I wish I can go to school just to socialise and have fun. Lessons can be like inserted into my brain via a chip or something. Okay, choy but think about it. No books/laptops! Fun and knowledge easily!

Trying to reach out to all of 2a05. But scared. It's okay, I can try again.

I read other people's blog and mostly are sad. Some are truly happy and I am so glad for them. I have been one of the suffering ones last time, and I totally understand. It's not easy to get out of that rut of being so negative. The key is to know that those negative thoughts are not YOU . They are just thoughts. You are the awareness, the one who choose which thoughts you want to affect yourself. And it's not your fault when these negative things come by. Your brain is so used to it but you can change that.

Chim, but if you can understand, it will help you pull out of the pain. But again, this knowledge is only for those minds who are ready to take it in.

Quite glad that the health authorities lower the h1n1 warning to yellow. So, I won't be like those villagers when the boy cried wolf. But still, prevention is better than cure.

I know I make friends superficially. Its rarely do I know someone on a very deep level, except my family. Those facebook test just shows you can never know anyone fully well. I hope I can connect heart to heart more often.

And to my brother, even though you will never read this, I love you very much and am really sorry that I am so busy with poly. I hate not spending time with you. Good luck with your exams, and I really tried. Missing you~

2009-05-03T15:51:00.002+08:00

I am going to try out blogging some boring stuff. LOL. Not like I ever blog interestingly. Okay, here I go.

Today, I plan to teach and revise with my brother his examination. So I thought, let's start with English! Pretty simple stuff right? Tenses and formats. Freaking easy!

NOT.

Bloody hell. I tried to explain to him why "Luckily, I paid attention in class." was marked WRONG compared to,"Luckily, I have been paying attention in class." I am like, where's the difference? If you think I am stupid, well, just shut up.

So, after attempts of explaining English with my own INVENTED rationalisms, we moved on to Maths. Alright, Maths is just formulas right?

Everything went well. REALLY WELL. I am serious about that.

To the point that it became such a breeze, we started joking. And maths, was like, the forgotten era. Serious. Joked and played with his PSP games until after one hour. Then, I was like, "Wait. Why am I at level 19 of DJ MAX?"

So we continued with science. And I had an issue with one of those cooling graphs. You know those cooling graphs where it shows the changes when gas changes to liquid and to solid.

I totally got an issue with that.

Well, I am tired of typing. Another update another time.

Have you watched that video? I love him! He is awesome with covers!

2009-05-02T13:22:00.001+08:00

WhEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!!!

Filling up with happy stuff once more! WHEEEEEEE!

Took out all my anger and frustrations about my life on my poor bolster. Thank you very much bolster, I feel very much better.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HELLO WORLD, HERE I COME!